MindWorks

The Need for Freedom
Renita C. Gabriel, Psy.D., contributing editor
http://www.breakthroughspsycservices.com

As a child I remember playing the game “Mother, May I” during recess with my peers. For those of you who are not familiar with the game, each player must ask “the mother” player if they have permission to move a specified number of steps toward him or her. Whoever reaches the mother player first wins the game. A participant’s success in this game is largely contingent upon their adherence to the rule of asking “mother” permission and the mother granting permission for that participant to move forward. When I reflect back on this game, I believe it was a great way to teach children the importance of following directions, abiding by the rules, and perhaps the benefit of practicing good manners. Another life lesson that this game taught is that sometimes even when you follow the rules you may not get “permission” to move “forward.” How many of us as adults find ourselves awaiting “permission” from others to move forward in our lives? Whether it’s advancing in our careers, moving forward in a relationship or just allowing ourselves to be happy, many of us wait around for the approval of those individuals in our lives whose opinions we value. While it is often in our best interest to seek wise counsel and advice from people, we have to remember that people are just that — people. Like ourselves, other people have their own frailties, shortcomings, and problems and sometimes their advice and opinions are filtered through these things. Can you imagine if your fate was solely based on the approval of someone who is having “a bad day?” My point is that awaiting the approval of others to move forward in your own life may cause you to become stagnant as some people may not be willing to “allow” you to move forward because of their own “stuff.” Therefore, it is important that we make decisions based not only on external factors but also on internal cues from within ourselves.

According to Choice Theory we are genetically designed with a proclivity toward freedom (http://www.choicetheory.com/ct.htm; Buck, 2002). As human beings we have a need for choices and options in life. If this need is left unmet or is somehow stifled we experience distress which impacts our thinking, feelings, behavior and physiology. Recall the time in your life when you felt that you did not have a choice. Perhaps you were a child and you were told what to wear and where to go. Maybe as an adult you were mandated by an employer to perform a certain task. As you reflect on these experiences, you may have unpleasant feelings and thoughts, and as a matter of fact, Choice Theory suggests that you most likely will. The good news for many of us is that there are different areas in our lives where we are able to have our need for freedom met if it is lacking in one area (e.g. a person who lacks freedom at work may have more freedom at home).

In closing, we all have a basic need for freedom or options in life. Where there appear to be no options, it is our responsibility to create them for ourselves and not that of those whose approval we seek.

Consider the following TIP for the month:

• Take time to consider your options.
• Identify the choice that will work best for you.
• Put it into practice.

Disclaimer — Please note that the monthly “TIP” does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with the readership nor substitute for a professional consultation with a licensed mental health professional.