MindWorks
Start Anew by Accepting You
Renita C. Gabriel, Psy.D., contributing editor
TRecall the time from your youth when the masterpiece (i.e., stick figure drawing) you created for your parents became a complete mess and you were given a fresh piece of paper so you could start over again. What about when you made that dish that turned into a disaster but you then realized you had enough ingredients and time to start from scratch? Wasn’t there a sense of relief in knowing that you could start over? Perhaps there was even a bit of excitement at the new possibilities a second chance would afford you. In fact, most of us can relate to these feelings with the advent of the new year. There’s not only relief and excitement, but a renewed motivation and determination to achieve what was unachievable in the year prior. We aim high and reach for the stars as we generate a list of expectations for ourselves in the coming year. Most of us start out “on the good foot” meeting these expectations and as a result have positive feelings about ourselves. But as we all know and have experienced, our excitement diminishes as the novelty of the year wears off and “life happens.” As a result, we often have more difficulty adhering to our plan of action and some of us end up abandoning our plan altogether. We then proceed to condemn ourselves for not following through or “not being disciplined enough” to stick with the program. This self-condemnation associated with not adhering to our resolutions can end up adversely affecting our self-esteem and it is widely known that low self-esteem is closely associated with depression and anxiety. Given that our pattern of behavior for the new year is very similar to what I have outlined above, I would like to challenge us to break the cycle this year. I am proposing that we take a posture of self-acceptance versus self-condemnation when we fail to meet not only our own expectations but the expectations of others.
In order to understand what is meant by self acceptance, it is important to have an understanding of self-esteem and its components. Most of us understand self-esteem to be an individual’s overall feeling of himself or herself; however, the literature suggests that there is a little more to it than that. The National Association of Self-Esteem (NASE) defines self-esteem as, “the experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness." Self-esteem by this definition is comprised of two components both of which are important to healthy self-esteem and they are 1) one’s overall sense of self-worth and 2) one’s sense of competence in a specific area (NASE, 2011).
Self-worth refers to one’s overall sense of value, worth, goodness, and deservedness (ENotAlone, 2011). For example, we may become offended when spoken to in a harsh or condescending way by another person. Our sense of self worth lets us know that we are deserving of a certain amount of respect that is not being shown at that moment. The competence component of self-esteem relates to the conviction that one is generally capable of producing desired results (NASE, 2011). For example, if we successfully complete a project on our job we experience a sense of competence on our job with regard to that particular project. For many of us, the way we feel about ourselves is derived primarily through the competence domain of self-esteem. We tend to base our self-worth on how well we perform which can lead us to experience self-condemnation, guilt and shame when we do not perform well.
Self-acceptance would likely fall under the self-worth component of self-esteem and can be defined quite simply as accepting yourself for who you are in this moment. By virtue of being a human being we all have intrinsic worth or value. However, we are also fallible beings and as such are prone to make mistakes (REBT Network, 2010). Making mistakes therefore does not negate or diminish our worth. Self-acceptance enables us to acknowledge that in the face of perceived failures we are the same worthy yet fallible human beings as we were before the perceived failure.
True self-acceptance lays the groundwork for acceptance of others as they are. Imagine the implications of accepting yourself and others in relationships? Think of how many relationships could be restored and the emotional wounds that could be healed? You may wonder how you can practice self-acceptance this New Year. Consider the TIP below:
Take time to generate realistic/attainable goals for the new year.
Invest necessary resources in order to obtain these goals.
Practice self-acceptance in the face of challenges adhering to these goals.
References
ENotAlone. (2011). Self esteem and self worth. Retrieved January 7, 2011, from http://www.enotalone.com/article/3880.html
National Association of Self Esteem (NASE). (2011). What is self-esteem. Retrieved January 7, 2011, from http://www.self-esteem-nase.org/what.php
REBT Network. (2010). What is rebt. Retrieved December 23, 2010, from http://www.rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html
