Good Books
Karen Schacter, contributing editor (www.dishingwithyourdaughters.com)
Book Review: Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie
When it comes to flowers and chocolates and hugs and kisses, it is easy to feel happy and loved. It is easy to experience positive feelings when life is going well, when people are being generous, and when things are going our way.
Not so easy, though, when things are not going so well...or when we believe things are not going our way.
Any of these statements sound familiar?
“I am so upset — we don’t have enough money...”
“I should have gotten that job!”
“I hate my body — my stomach is so fat.”
“I am sad because he doesn’t love me enough.”
“It’s not fair! You give my sister more things than you give me! You love her more!”
The truth is, we all have experiences that we wish were different, at various times throughout our lives. Things that cause us pain, beliefs that keep us frustrated or stuck or angry, and thoughts that play like tapes, over and over in our head, that may perpetuate the problem.
We think we need to change our reality...and THEN we’ll be happy.
Byron Katie, in her powerful book, Loving What Is, and in her transformational workshops and classes, seeks to help us transform our pain and suffering into peace and ease and joy. How? By helping us accept “what is.” In other words: accepting reality!
Sounds simple, right? It IS simple, but not so easy to do. Most of us struggle with reality that doesn’t fit with our wishes, and “fight” either internally or externally for things to be different.
Katie’s premise is that by doing what she calls “The Work,” we can all experience freedom from suffering. The Work is essentially a series of four questions that you apply to a problem. These questions help you see “the problem” from a completely different perspective. As Katie says, “It’s not the problem that causes our suffering; it’s our thinking about the problem.”
But we can’t just “change our thoughts.” That never works. According to Katie, we must apply questioning or an inquiry to our thoughts, before we can let them go.
First, Katie suggests, you identify the person or thing that is causing you suffering, and how you want them (or it) to change. Then, you apply the questions:
- Is it true? (Is what you are saying true?)
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react when you think that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
This is a powerful process and we recently tried it with my son, who was being very critical of his younger sister. When we explored his behavior, we found out that he was finding her antics “annoying.” After going through some of the questions, Noah was able to see that he might not be able to change his sister or even the attention she got, but that HE could change his reaction. We came up with a “special word” that made him feel good, which he says to himself anytime he starts to feel “annoyed” with her.
Not only has this helped with his “annoyance” and subsequent criticism of his sister, but we taught him a powerful lesson for life, which many adults need to learn as well: We cannot change other people. Sometimes we can’t change our circumstances right away. The only thing we really have any control over are our internal thoughts and reactions.
As Byron Katie says, “Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.” What a lesson! Byron Katie is a true spiritual teacher with a powerful message to share. I would highly recommend it!
