MindWorks
Love is Forgiving
Renita C. Gabriel, Psy.D., contributing editor
During this time of year it is quite natural for us to warmly consider those whom we hold near and dear to our hearts. Expressing our love and gratitude to those who are on our “top 10 favorite people” list comes very easily. But what about the folks who didn’t quite make the cut? We can all remember that person in our lives who betrayed our trust or greatly disappointed us. Perhaps someone committed an act against us that was even more hurtful and during a month where love is celebrated, forgiving them is the furthest thing from our minds. However, because this is the month where love is celebrated, I would challenge us all to consider practicing forgiveness. No matter what you believe about the specific nature and origins of love, the general consensus is that love is a positive emotion. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, is associated with numerous negative emotions and as is the case with other opposing forces, the positivity of love cannot coexist peaceably with the negativity of unforgiveness. In other words, it is not possible to experience the fullness of love and yet harbor bitterness and resentment in your life, just as it is virtually impossible to be anxious and relaxed at the same time. Therefore, as difficult as it may be, I would like to encourage us to consider practicing forgiveness this month, not only to release ourselves from the emotional bondage and heaviness caused by unforgiveness, but also to enable us to experience love in its fullness.
Forgiveness has been generally defined as an abandonment of anger, hostility, and resentment (as well as thoughts of revenge) against a wrongdoer (Sandage & Worthington, 2010). It is often described as an internal experience of “letting go.” It follows then that when we have learned to release resentment and other feelings associated with the transgressions committed against us by others, we are essentially “freed up” to give and receive love. In a nursing editorial the example of a person continuing to walk with a thorn stuck in their foot is given to illustrate unforgiveness (Dunn, 2009). As you can probably imagine, continuing to walk in such a state would be painful and would eventually result in an infection. However, if the person removed the thorn and attempted to walk, he or she may initially experience pain, but would eventually heal without the infection the thorn could cause. The negativity associated with unforgiveness is likened to the infection from this example, often resulting in severely damaging effects. The literature suggests that forgiveness has been found to promote long term physical and mental health, as interpersonal transgressions are a common source of personal distress (Sandage & Worthington, 2010; Collier, et al., 2010)
Many of you may wonder how you can practice forgiveness in your own lives. Some of us have hurts so profound that we would not know even where to begin. Let me encourage you by letting you know that forgiveness is a process that begins with you. Consider the following TIP for how you may begin to practice forgiveness:
Take a moment to identify who has offended you.
Internally release that person from feelings of hostility, resentment and bitterness (this is a process).
Practice forgiveness daily.
References
Collier, S., Ryckman, R., Thornton, B., & Gold, J.A. Competitive personality attitudes and forgiveness of others. The Journal of Psychology, 2010, 144(6), 535-543.
Dunn, L. Spiritual needs: focusing on forgiveness. Online Journal of Rural Nursing & Health Care, 2009 Fall; 9 (2): 4-5.
Sandage, S., & Worthington Jr., E.L. Comparison of two group interventions to promote forgivenss: empathy as a mediator of change. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, Jan. 2010, 32(1), 35-57.
