Learning
Changing Cycles, Changing Bodies
by Karen Schachter, contributing editor
http://www.dishingwithyourdaughter.com
As I was sitting on the edge of the tub yesterday, reading to my daughter as she was bathing, it occurred to me that we are both entering a phase of huge bodily changes. My daughter just turned ten and I'm inching my way to forty-seven.
Sure, as humans, and perhaps especially as women, our bodies are always changing in subtle ways, but puberty and menopause bring on some of the most intense bodily changes of a woman's life (with the exception of pregnancy, of course). And as I am forced to figure out how to cope with my fluctuating hormones, softer belly, changes in my menstrual cycle, and all the other shifts that this next phase will bring, it's also my job to help my daughter navigate the changes she’s about to face.
The thing is, most of us were not taught as girls to love and embrace this feminine journey our bodies undergo. And as women most of us certainly don’t learn to love our bodies during the menopause process.
We live in a culture that contributes to deep confusion, and often shame, around our changing bodies. Girls are simultaneously applauded for their changing bodies and the potential pleasure they bring to others (“Look at those boobs! She's so hot!”) and shamed at the same time (“Oh my, she’s so flat!” or “Ooooh...she's got the curse!”).
Aging women are often reminded of all the ways they can “reclaim” their beauty and “anti-age” themselves, which often contributes to more fear of, and disconnection from, our feminine experience.
Now, look, I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t care about my appearance, and that I don’t want to erase my wrinkles as much as the next person. Yes, I want to age gracefully and look my best as I age. But I don’t want to live in a constant fight with the natural aging process, live in fear of getting older, or buy into the negative stereotypes that seek to remind me that I’m not “enough” the way I am.
Those things just feel bad. I’d prefer to love myself through the changes (even the ones I don’t particularly like!), and to spend my days feeling good about myself.
And of course, this is what I want for my daughter:
I want her to love her body. I want her to embrace her femininity and be strong and grounded in her ability to support and nourish herself. I want her to see her monthly cycles as a gift, not a curse; as a source of strength and empowerment and creativity.
But if she sees me running scared from my own body, cursing my cyclical changes, or hating what I see in the mirror, she’s not going to learn that her body is beautiful and worthy of love, no matter what phase of womanhood she’s in. I know she’s looking to me for cues about how she should feel.
So what can we, as adults, do to support our natural, feminine, and yes, even beautiful, changes that our bodies — and our girls’ bodies — will go through during these phases?
First, we can begin to examine media messaging from an objective perspective, instead of buying into them and believing them. Once we truly understand that most of what’s being fed to us from the media is designed to sell, not support, we can begin to relax into the changes we are going through and recognize that another ten pounds or fewer wrinkles will not make us more lovable. We can nourish and love ourselves right now, exactly the way we are.
Once we stop fighting change and begin to relax, we can practice tuning in to the whispers of our body: What would best nourish her? When does she need rest? Movement? What kinds of relationships serve her best?
As we become friendlier with our own bodies, trusting our inner wisdom instead of external messages, we are more empowered to help our daughters step into their femininity with grace and joy instead of fear and shame. As we talk with them about these topics, they can learn how to question what they are hearing from commercials or from their friends, and to create a kinder and more generous view of beauty and femininity.
Our bodies are sources of strength, power, beauty and wisdom. Join me in embracing this amazing feminine super-power and passing it on...