Learning
Loving The Body You are In
by Karen Schachter, contributing editor
http://www.dishingwithyourdaughter.com
The moment I had been dreading finally happened. Recently my daughter announced, “my thighs are fat”!
My immediate internal response was to panic: she was heading down a path I did everything I could to protect her from.
“Hmmm...what makes you say that?” I responded, aloud.
“They just are...look. They squish. And they touch.”
Luckily, I had the wherewithal to not freak out in that moment, so I responded, in an as matter-of-fact tone as I could, “Hmm, yeah, they do touch. Some thighs do that when they’re sitting. Mine do, too.”
Later, as I was reflecting on this, I remembered a story my cousin Kate told me several years ago after she returned home from college one summer with some extra weight. When she told her mom that she had gained weight and her clothes were too tight, her mom responded, matter-of-factly, “Ok, then, let’s go shopping and get you some new jeans that fit better.”
She didn’t immediately go into the fix-it mode by suggesting ways her daughter could lose weight or chide her for eating dessert that night.
There was no shame.
Kate may have wanted to lose her added weight, but she didn’t go down the “I hate my body, I hate myself” path that so many girls and women do.
What if we all had people in our lives who responded that way? What if you could do this for yourself and for your daughter?
Fat is not a four-letter word. Fat does not mean bad or that something is wrong with you.
My daughter’s comment about her thighs wasn’t a judgment or a negative label. It was a reflection of what she had heard and an exploration of what that meant to her.
Later, when I asked her where she had heard about thighs being fat, she said that she had heard it from her friends at her birthday party.
I recalled a similar experience when I was a girl, when one of her little friends said how much she hated her thighs and, pointing to another girl, said that she wished to be thin like her.
At seven years old, I was concerned that my daughter hated something that was a part of her. After all, it is hate and shame that will destroy a person’s spirit, not the size of her thighs.
Although you may not be able to protect your daughter from the onslaught of negative messages about how female bodies should look, you can help neutralize their impact by providing tools that help them to deflect, rather than absorb, that negativity.
You can help your daughter recognize that the size of her belly or the squishiness of her thighs does not determine her worth. You can choose to view your own human rolls and squishes with the kind of acceptance and kindness you’d like to instill in her.
Here are a few tips that may help:
- If your daughter says, “I look fat,” hold off on reassuring her immediately. Before telling her that you think she is beautiful, first step back, ask questions, and listen. What makes her think this? What does it mean to her? This allows for meaningful communication and connection between you. When you reassure too quickly, you cut off the conversation and the understanding. After you explore, of course, it’s fine to reassure her that you think she’s beautiful as she is.
- The other reason you don’t want to over-emphatically reassure her is that this can convey that you believe fat is bad. Instead, stay neutral and reassure her that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and that if she continues to eat mostly healthy foods that are right for her body, and listen to her hunger and fullness, her body will do just what it’s supposed to do.
- Don’t necessarily agree with her either. Alternatively, if I had said, “Well, yes, you’re right, you are showing a little of the family thigh problem,” I am essentially saying: your body can’t be trusted. Instead, explore and at this point, offer her reassurance and support. And if she truly does need to lose weight, ask you can support her in eating healthier and exercising more.
- And perhaps most important of all: Begin to look at your own self with kinder eyes. Notice when you grab your rolls with disgust, or make a face at yourself in the mirror, or talk about your weight in a negative way. Remember your daughter is always watching and learning.