Learning
Retreating: Learning How to “Be” With the Chaos of Parenting
by Karen Schachter, contributing editor
http://www.dishingwithyourdaughter.com
Ah, summer! Vacations! Relaxation! Retreats! Reading my book at the beach. Doing yoga. Relaxing with a margarita with friends. Maybe a massage. Curling up on the couch with my husband. Peace and quiet.
Oh, wait. Whose summer am I describing? That may be me in a parallel universe, but let’s face it, I’m a Mom. My summer looks more like this: Kids at home without structure, more noise, more TV, more distraction, sand in the house, piles of laundry, reading my book in short sentences between watching them in the water, popsicles and sticky fingers...Don’t get me wrong, I love summer with kids. But relaxing? Retreating? Not quite.
I often end up wishing and hoping that I can sneak away for a few hours and grab some time for myself. Or I want them to just play by themselves so I can get some time to finish my book or talk with a friend. But then I fight with myself about these wishes. After all, I only get to be a mom once. Shouldn’t I want to be with my kids 24/7 on their summer vacation? Isn’t it trips to the beach and the ice cream store and catching fireflies what childhood memories are all about?
I recently attended a yoga workshop that helped shift my perspective both about retreating and about parenting.
The yoga teacher, a parent himself, talked about the yogic concept of ahimsa, which is often translated as 'non-violence' or 'non-harming' of yourself or others. The teacher, however, translated it further as 'letting it be', or not resisting what is. Furthermore, he said, the more we resist and wish things were different, the more we suffer.
This really struck a cord with me. As a mom, with children running around, it can be pretty hard to let things be when I have my own wishes and desires for them, for myself and for our time together.
If I want quiet time alone and they are begging me to go to the beach or dumping a pile of sparkly paint on my kitchen floor to work on a project, I feel my blood pressure rising. So I do what most moms do. I orchestrate. I plan. I maneuver. I often bribe, beg and on occasion, I might even yell. And other times, maybe even cry or try to control the chaos.
This is not exactly letting things be and it takes a lot of energy. It’s draining. It makes me wish things were different - and that doesn’t feel so good. I crave a retreat away from it all, more often than not, to retreat, to be taken away.
This all made me wonder, what if I practiced ahmisa and let things be what they are, with my kids, with my own needs and desires, and even with my husband? Could I be with them—and myself—in a different way? Could I rest and retreat in the chaos of the moment? Could I relax into the sticky fingers and the sparkly paint and the firefly catching? Could I even relax into my own wish to read and spend time with friends, without judging myself as a bad mom?
Now letting things be does not mean letting your kids do whatever they want. It means not resisting what is happening in the moment. It means observing rather than fighting. It means seeing what is so you can find a creative solution, if need be.
It also means giving yourself a rest, a renewal, a retreat from that resistant energy of wanting things to be different. And when you do that, you find you have a lot more resources to respond in a way that feels right—that is in harmony with your values. Practicing ahimsa takes practice for sure. But could it be that the more we let things be and relax into the moment, the more mini-retreats we get all day long?
There may be less yelling and frustration, and more of that peace you so desperately crave. You get to respond in a way that you envisioned yourself responding—while you retreat and quietly sip that frosted margarita.